A few weeks ago, I ran a sangha session for a small group of young adults that I participate in, called Young Dharma SF. The topic was "Helping Others", and I'd like to share some of what we discussed in the helps that it might help you, either alone or in running your own sangha.
Most of us are good people. Real psychopaths are few and far between. Although all of us come from different situations and different cultures, different religious backgrounds, most of us have the idea that we want to help. Inherent in this idea is two hidden assumptions: first, that we have some measure of control over the happiness of others. Second, that it's incumbent on us to help others when we see that they need it. There's other assumptions hiding here even deeper: that there is a good and a bad, that other people know what they need to be happy, etc., etc. - but let's just start with those two. They get drummed into our head from an early age. They take different forms; christians have the "good samaritan". In many Middle Eastern cultures there is the "guest first" mentality. Jewish culture revolves around giving to the community (to overgeneralize).
This is fine, as far as it goes. It seems unassailable to suggest that others deserve our help, and that we can and should help them. A world without charity seems terrible, and a world where we can't touch those around us seems sterile and hardly worth living in. Connections between people are what build color and make the world go 'round.
But these principles, of charity and connection, are like a power saw without a guard on the blade - incredibly useful and powerful in motion but deadly in the wrong hands. For, like a saw, they will cut whatever they are held against, without regard for integrity or measure. They will eat whatever is in front of them, turning it to mulch. At the right place and time, they help us build a house for our soul. Left to run out of control they can ruin us. And the problem is, most people are only given the saw, not the guards. If we are supposed to help those in need, well, which ones? There are something like 6 billion people on this planet, and I think it's fair to say they *all* have needs, and they all could be happier. Are we supposed to help them all? And what about this notion that we can make other people happy? Is it true? All the time? How do we tell the difference? What are we supposed to do if and when we can't make them happy? Give up? Hate ourselves? Hate them?
So let's go back to the group exercise and see how running a sangha on this topic might work. To set the stage, in the group there were approximately 10 adults ranging in age from about 25-35. The session lasted 2 hours. We began, as we begin every session, by socializing for about 15 minutes. Then, I introduced the topic but didn't go into much detail. I believe I said something along the lines of "tonight we're going to talk about how to help others in our lives while still staying centered ourselves." The group had been prepped for that topic over email as well, so it was on everyone's minds (hopefully!) but in a non-specific way. We then meditated, for about 20 minutes, doing standard but unguided Vipassana (insight/breathing) meditation. I noticed as I looked around the room that there were some pretty contented and peaceful faces.
Then I reminded everyone of the topic. I asked each person to come up with one person in their lives that they were, at that moment, feeling guilty about because they either couldn't help them, weren't helping them, or were trying to help them but felt like they weren't doing enough or it wasn't working. This was pretty easy for most people to do, and we got a range of response ranging from the coworker who was too gossipy for her own good, to the daughter with a mother with a very bad psychological disorder who needed constant care. This last one was an excellent case for group discussion later on; there's nothing more debilitating than someone we care about deeply or who is so needy that they can be a bottomless well, soaking up all our ability to care and help. We allowed each person to just describe their feelings about this person without interruption. Before this exercise, I specifically asked each person to make a point to remember the story of the person who was sitting across from them (luckily, there was an even number; if there weren't, I would have remembered two). I also asked them to remember at least one or two specific details from the story.
I then brought up a few helpful teaching examples. First I talked about the Baghavad Gita, which tells us that it is "Much better to do one's own work even if you have to do it imperfectly than it is to do somebody else's work perfectly". I read and reviewed a handout on equanimity by Tom Moon, a great Sangha teacher here in the Bay. We talked about equanimity as one of the four brahma vihara, or immeasurables. The near enemy of equanimity is apathy, and so we discussed how it was important to care about those around us and not retreat, but to do so in a sustainable way. I focused on that word - sustainable - because it's hot right now in discussions about the environment and natural resources, but I think it also applies to our own mental resources in a parallel way. After all, it we exhaust ourselves, not only are we then of no help to anyone, but we might end up needing help ourselves. We repeated a number of prayers from the Moon handout, such "I love you, but I cannot stop you from suffering," and "each being chooses their own path." Repeating these phrases helps to remind us that while we can touch others, we can't really change them. And the repetition itself helps to calm the mind.
We then went into the subject of Childhood Omnipotence, which is a phrase from western psychology that describes the tendency of children to attribute themselves as the cause of everything that happens around them. "Mommy and Daddy got a divorce because I'm a bad kid." "My sister has cancer because I didn't love her enough." "We're poor because I'm stupid." Etc., etc. In many people, this tendency lessens as we get older, but in those who were unfortunate enough to experience abuse, it may not, and we may grow up thinking that we're still the cause of the suffering of those around us. In fact all of us retain some portion of this childhood philosophy, and at times it can be quite debilitating. In the cold light of day (or the sangha circle), though, it is exposed for what it is: egotism, and silliness besides.
(Note: this is where I made a big mistake and misspoke; I said that those who endured abuse often had a surplus of this feeling, while "normal people" had less. One of the members got quite upset at this, thinking that I meant that people who had undergone "abuse" weren't normal. That's not what I meant, but it is what I said, and I apologized profusely. So don't make my mistake!)
Then, we went around the circle again, but this time, each person was asked to make direct eye contact with the person across from them and say "It's not your fault." Then, they described a potential scenario involving that person's story of help where the situation or individual improved or resolved itself without any help from us at all! For example, one person was trying to get their coworker to stop gossiping. So, their circle partner told them "Maybe one day, that person will have an experience on their own that makes them realize it's better to use wise speech, and you'll find they've stopped gossiping without any help from you at all!" Giving these concrete examples helps remind us that we're not in charge of the universe.
We closed with a few more minutes of meditation, and the giving of merit. All in all, I felt it was a very productive night and several members thanked me for making them think about how they were spending their energy. I recommend it for your Sangha as a topic of interest to everyone, but especially young adults, who often feel that we need to "save the world".
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