Last week's post about living a life of ease was pretty popular, so I thought I'd follow up with another post about a favorite topic of mine: self-esteem. Given the city of overachievers that San Francisco is, a logical person (who was perhaps unfamiliar with the human species) might assume that all of have zero problems with self-esteem. Anyone willing to admit that? Hands? Anyone? I didn't think so. Tips:
1. You Already Did Step One - just by clicking on this title, and reading this page, you've made the first step: admitting it's something you're interested in, and being curious to do more. Unfortunately, the people who most need to read this won't click it, because they feel there's no point, and that they don't deserve to feel any better about themselves. So when you're done with this, figure out a way to show it - politely and subtly - to someone who could use it. Print it but don't pick it up from the work printer. Put it on your fridge for your roommates. (Just don't email it; we don't need more chain emails).
2. Worry About It Less - Ironically, this is not one of those problems that gets better with more attention. Just relax, let go - see my last post for more tips about that. A great quote from C.S. Lewis belongs here: "Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it's thinking about yourself less."
3. Accept Your Faults - Many of us are good at acknowledging our own positive attributes and successes (maybe too good). But self-esteem is more than just that; it's also accepting our faults. Here's a quiz: which is easier - being perfect at everything, or accepting the things you're not good at? Have you ever found yourself using the phrases "good people don't X", or "I can't believe I X"? Ever gotten to the end of an awesome day kicking butt and taking names, only to quail at the sight of your filthy kitchen? Do you think Oprah ever forgets to brush her teeth before she leaves for work?
4. Take A Compliment - This one is especially for you, ladies - but men, listen up as well. We live in a potentially scary and duplicitous world, one in which we try to have lots and lots of acquaintances, rather than just a few folks we know well. Compared to 50 years ago, everybody is expected to have 300 LinkedIn contacts, 800 Facebook friends, and god knows how many drinking buddies. But, as a consequence, we mistrust people - and nowhere is this more true than when we receive a compliment. Have you ever been guilty of thinking "What does this person want from me? Why are they being so nice to me? Money? Sex? My time and energy?" The unspoken message is "I can't possibly be this great; they must be lying for some reason." And, sure, sometimes people do use flattery to their advantage. But if you assume that every person who flatters you is insincere, you will never recognize sincere flattery. That means no love, no affection, and no praise - and that's kind of sad, isn't it? Sometimes people honestly just like you.
5. Sincerely Admire Others - It's an interesting fact, but the "esteem engine" of the brain is a little like a muscle, and like any muscle, it works better when we exercise it. It turns out that self-esteem is easier if we practice a little bit of other-esteem. This does not mean that we should idolize other people, or get engaged in hero worship. It just means taking the time to honestly recognize what others do well, and then admiring them for it. Even better if you tell them! (Just be sincere).
6. It's Not A Zero-Sum Game - Sure, competition can be fun. But the great thing about self-esteem is that there's plenty to go around. In fact, when done right, self-esteem breeds more self-esteem. So to have self-esteem, we don't have to extract it from others. Nobody has to win or lose. To feel good about yourself does not require making others feel bad about themselves - in fact you'll find that if you can surround yourself with people who have true self-esteem, it will help you build it in yourself.
7. Self-Esteem Is Not Ego - In fact, it's kind of the opposite. Ego advertises; self-esteem is modest. Ego takes the credit; self-esteem is humble. Ego wants to be in charge; self-esteem wants to make a positive contribution. Ego wants to be remembered; self-esteem is remembered. Ego is loud, self-esteem is quiet. There's nothing wrong with Ego, per se: it can be fun, and a positive force. But never mistake the two; building your ego will not build your self-esteem, and neither will having positive self-esteem cause you to become egotistical. Self-esteem is a recognition of the value of the self; ego is a desire to control, to be superior to others. Ego is a zero-sum game. Self-esteem is not.
8. Avoid Putting Yourself Down - Yes, sometimes self-deprecating humor can be entertaining. People love a clown. But remember the Lewis quote - true humility means having the confidence in yourself to have an interest in others. Self-esteem is like a well-built house; it gives you the peace of mind to explore the outside, without worrying about whether you'll have shelter to come home to. Putting yourself down - even humorously - too often can cause you to honestly think those things about yourself. Questioning yourself will lead to a frantic desire to feel better, which will often drive you back to the humor and start a cycle. It's OK to laugh with yourself, and to acknowledge the humor in your own flaws and mistakes. But don't make a habit of inviting others - or yourself - to think less of you.
9. Revel In Your Own Uniqueness - Obvious, right? But easy to forget. What makes us different make us valuable. We need similarity to breed trust and compatibility; but we need differences to keep us happy and healthy. The world needs you, just the way you are - not a copy of somebody else. We already have that person.
10. Remember the Basics - Get some sleep. Eat well. Get some exercise. Ease up on the caffeine. It's hard to feel good about yourself when you physically feel bad about yourself. Not because it makes you a better person, but because it makes it easier to remember what a great person you already are.
Hope this helps! And, as always, take with a grain of salt - if anything here doesn't feel right for you, don't do it!
--Adam
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