Love

I am going to try to do one of the most egotistical things man can do - write about love.  Even worse, I'm going to sprinkle some quotes in and act like I know what I'm talking about.  It's fantastically unlikely that anything I say won't have been said - or close to it - many thousands of times before.  But the words are inside me, and they need to be let out, and now is my time, and this is my space.  I'm not at all a Christian, but I'll let the Bible have the first word.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. - 1 Corinthians 13:4–6 (NIV)

I have loved more than one or two people in my time.  I'm proud of that.  I don't regret it.  My love was honest, my love was genuine.  My love was true.  I meant well, always.  I never cheated, I rarely lied on purpose.  I thought, perhaps, my honesty was enough.

 The truth will set you free. - John 8:32 (NIV)

It turns out, though, honesty is not enough.  Over the last 5 years, I have turned to Dharma, to become more at peace with myself.  And through the teachings, I have learned the power of loving kindness, what Dharma calls metta.  I learned of the four noble houses, and their counterparts, the false houses, or the near enemies - emotions which seem to mimic the noble truths but are twisted.  The near enemy of metta is selfish affection.  This is a key phrase, and worth pulling apart.  It doesn't mean affection for oneself, or narcissism, although that's certainly bad too. Rather it means affection for others which is, by its nature, a desire to use that thing or person for self gain - the "grasping affection".

“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it is yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.”
—Unknown

Selfish affection is the opposite of loving kindness; it's the desire to trap something, to have it for yourself, even at the expense of others.  I'm happy that I love.  I know some take the step of removing all desire, but for me that doesn't resonate.  I can't believe that love - even romantic love - is a bad thing.  And yet, I have to be so careful.  "Love is not self-seeking."  It is our duty to love and honor ourselves, and that includes our own feelings, but that love, even clothed in honesty, cannot be used as a weapon against the happiness of others.   Just because I love something, or someone, doesn't mean that I deserve them, or deserve to control them.  No matter how much I may desire something, it doesn't give me the right to have it.  On the other hand, I can't be so worried about how my desires might affect others that I stop honoring and valuing that desire.  I deserve to be happy, and to express my feelings.  The challenge, and the balancing act, is to express those feelings without expecting them to have any results, or to demand that other people validate them.  To truly be able to say "I love you" and not mean "I want to control you" is the key.  But it's also incredibly hard.