The Buddhist Who Eats at Jack-in-the-Box

I am typing this from inside a Jack in the Box.  The smell of a fresh Supreme Croissant is wafting up from the table before me, perched next to my keyboard, still half contained in the wrapper, peeking out coyly.  In a few moments I will have eaten it, washed down with some delicious aspartame-enhanced Diet Coke, dispensed from a growling machine.  I come here most mornings, and give an enormous, faceless corporation $4.88 of my money to feed me Sysco bacon and non-diary imitation cheese.  From any perspective, the list of sins of this experience is long.  Vegetarians and Vegans would no doubt scold me for consuming a living animal.  Any nutritionist worth their salt would recoil in horror from the fat and salt, not to mention the ingredient list.  Organic food devotees would probably just lose their lunch (fava beans, raised locally).  Local food and slow food activists are probably already gathering to picket outside.

I am not thumbing my nose at these believers.  I have been a Vegetarian before.  I run marathons and study nutrition and believe wholeheartedly in a balanced diet.  I'm a fan of buying and eating locally.  And I'm as suspicious of GMOs as any quality San Franciscan would be.

So, why, then?  What's going on?  Am I living a lie?  Unable to face my demons, am I simply succumbing to my base desires?  Am I just a creature of habit?

Am I…a bad person?

I have, at times, fought my desire to eat fast food.  I threw every argument in the book at myself.  I looked at my Dad, a bit too paunch around the middle, and convinced myself I was headed for pot-bellied doom.  I told myself my marathon times would suffer.  I experienced some success here and there, especially during running season.  I, in fact, stopped eating fast food for 4 or 5 months.  I was miserable, slogging through mornings of cereal and fruit.  One day, bags under my eyes, I gazed at myself in the shaving mirror and realized: I hate this.  The emotion was so strong, I told myself I was a bad Yogi; a bad meditator; maybe, a bad person.  I felt lousy about myself.

What is the right answer?  Should I clamp down on my own behavior, keeping a tight grip on myself to ensure I never slip, hate myself for every failure, never trusting or loving myself enough to let go for even a moment?  Or, should I give up, enjoy the immediate pleasure of gorging myself on fast food, and then hate myself every time I look in the mirror?

No.  Both of these paths are founded on hate, mistrust, regret, fear.  I reject them and choose love for myself.  I choose the third path, the path of love, of patience, of kindness.  I love myself enough to eat the Supreme Croissant when I really, really want one.  But I also love myself enough to leave off the cheese.  I love myself enough to order the chocolate shake - but I also love myself enough to get the small, and to go running first.  I love myself enough to trust that I will make the right choices.  And the more I let go, the less anxiety I feel, and an interesting thing happens - my desire to eat fast food lessens.  It never goes away completely, because eating salt and fat is part of who I am.  It was part of my childhood.  It makes me feel safe (laugh if you want, but it does).  But now, when I do eat fast food, I'm eating what I really want to eat, not what my anxiety pushes me to consume to make me feel whole.  

There is a lesson here for anyone trying to lose weight, quit smoking, finish that dissertation, whatever it is: the more you hate, the more you fail.  When you try to pile up enough hate to succeed, you are like a man in a desert trying to fashion a drink of water out of more and more sand.  You cannot hate yourself enough to succeed at tasks like these - not in the long run, at least.  So, when self-deprivation feels like self-hate, it's not the right path.  But, at the same time, when indulgence feels like self-loathing, it's also time to stop.  When you reach for that cigarette, or that double cheeseburger, do so mindfully, fully aware and accepting of the present.  Enjoy it fully.  When you're halfway done, check in with yourself - do you need the second half?  Could you maybe be happy with just putting out that light, or throwing away the second half?  If the answer is no, then keep going - if yes, put it down.  Depending on who you are, you may just find yourself wanting it less and less, and perhaps eventually you'll really quit.  Or maybe you won't.

But at least you won't hate yourself.

P.S. I'm not, actually, a Buddhist; just a fan of the principles and precepts.  But it made for a nicer title.

Practical Tips for Building Self-Esteem

Last week's post about living a life of ease was pretty popular, so I thought I'd follow up with another post about a favorite topic of mine: self-esteem.  Given the city of overachievers that San Francisco is, a logical person (who was perhaps unfamiliar with the human species) might assume that all of have zero problems with self-esteem.  Anyone willing to admit that?  Hands?  Anyone?  I didn't think so.  Tips:

1. You Already Did Step One - just by clicking on this title, and reading this page, you've made the first step: admitting it's something you're interested in, and being curious to do more.  Unfortunately, the people who most need to read this won't click it, because they feel there's no point, and that they don't deserve to feel any better about themselves.  So when you're done with this, figure out a way to show it - politely and subtly - to someone who could use it.  Print it but don't pick it up from the work printer.  Put it on your fridge for your roommates.  (Just don't email it; we don't need more chain emails).

2.  Worry About It Less - Ironically, this is not one of those problems that gets better with more attention.  Just relax, let go - see my last post for more tips about that.  A great quote from C.S. Lewis belongs here:  "Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it's thinking about yourself less."

3.  Accept Your Faults - Many of us are good at acknowledging our own positive attributes and successes (maybe too good).  But self-esteem is more than just that; it's also accepting our faults.  Here's a quiz: which is easier - being perfect at everything, or accepting the things you're not good at?  Have you ever found yourself using the phrases "good people don't X", or "I can't believe I X"?  Ever gotten to the end of an awesome day kicking butt and taking names, only to quail at the sight of your filthy kitchen?  Do you think Oprah ever forgets to brush her teeth before she leaves for work?

4.  Take A Compliment - This one is especially for you, ladies - but men, listen up as well.  We live in a potentially scary and duplicitous world, one in which we try to have lots and lots of acquaintances, rather than just a few folks we know well.  Compared to 50 years ago, everybody is expected to have 300 LinkedIn contacts, 800 Facebook friends, and god knows how many drinking buddies.  But, as a consequence, we mistrust people - and nowhere is this more true than when we receive a compliment.  Have you ever been guilty of thinking "What does this person want from me?  Why are they being so nice to me?  Money?  Sex?  My time and energy?"  The unspoken message is "I can't possibly be this great; they must be lying for some reason."  And, sure, sometimes people do use flattery to their advantage.  But if you assume that every person who flatters you is insincere, you will never recognize sincere flattery.  That means no love, no affection, and no praise - and that's kind of sad, isn't it?  Sometimes people honestly just like you.

5.  Sincerely Admire Others - It's an interesting fact, but the "esteem engine" of the brain is a little like a muscle, and like any muscle, it works better when we exercise it.  It turns out that self-esteem is easier if we practice a little bit of other-esteem.  This does not mean that we should idolize other people, or get engaged in hero worship.  It just means taking the time to honestly recognize what others do well, and then admiring them for it.  Even better if you tell them!  (Just be sincere).

6.  It's Not A Zero-Sum Game - Sure, competition can be fun.  But the great thing about self-esteem is that there's plenty to go around.  In fact, when done right, self-esteem breeds more self-esteem.  So to have self-esteem, we don't have to extract it from others.  Nobody has to win or lose.  To feel good about yourself does not require making others feel bad about themselves - in fact you'll find that if you can surround yourself with people who have true self-esteem, it will help you build it in yourself.

7.  Self-Esteem Is Not Ego - In fact, it's kind of the opposite.  Ego advertises; self-esteem is modest.  Ego takes the credit; self-esteem is humble.  Ego wants to be in charge; self-esteem wants to make a positive contribution.  Ego wants to be remembered; self-esteem is remembered.  Ego is loud, self-esteem is quiet.  There's nothing wrong with Ego, per se: it can be fun, and a positive force.  But never mistake the two; building your ego will not build your self-esteem, and neither will having positive self-esteem cause you to become egotistical.  Self-esteem is a recognition of the value of the self; ego is a desire to control, to be superior to others.  Ego is a zero-sum game.  Self-esteem is not.

8.  Avoid Putting Yourself Down - Yes, sometimes self-deprecating humor can be entertaining.  People love a clown.  But remember the Lewis quote - true humility means having the confidence in yourself to have an interest in others.  Self-esteem is like a well-built house; it gives you the peace of mind to explore the outside, without worrying about whether you'll have shelter to come home to.  Putting yourself down - even humorously - too often can cause you to honestly think those things about yourself.  Questioning yourself will lead to a frantic desire to feel better, which will often drive you back to the humor and start a cycle.  It's OK to laugh with yourself, and to acknowledge the humor in your own flaws and mistakes.  But don't make a habit of inviting others - or yourself - to think less of you.

9. Revel In Your Own Uniqueness - Obvious, right?  But easy to forget.  What makes us different make us valuable.  We need similarity to breed trust and compatibility; but we need differences to keep us happy and healthy.  The world needs you, just the way you are - not a copy of somebody else.  We already have that person.

10.  Remember the Basics - Get some sleep.  Eat well.  Get some exercise.  Ease up on the caffeine.  It's hard to feel good about yourself when you physically feel bad about yourself.  Not because it makes you a better person, but because it makes it easier to remember what a great person you already are.

Hope this helps!  And, as always, take with a grain of salt - if anything here doesn't feel right for you, don't do it!

--Adam

Practical Tips for a Life of More Ease

In honor of the summer, when we chill out and look for ways to take a break, today I'm going to blog about some practical tips for leading a life of more ease and happiness.  "Happiness" is a loaded term, but in this case I don't mean pleasure, but rather the freedom of a centered life.  Less anxiety, more awareness.  So here we go!

1.  Get Some Sleep - studies show that lack of sleep has wide, wide ranging consequences.  In addition to the obvious, such as inability to operate a motor vehicle, there are consequences for health and happiness as well.  It doesn't take a brain surgeon to see that operating on less sleep increases cortisol levels, raises anxiety levels and can even cause us to gain weight.  So why do we do it?  Well, sometimes there are genuine health issues, such as sleep apnea.  If you wake up tired after 8-9 hours of continuous sleep, see a doctor.  But if you're just not going to sleep - stop it!  Go to sleep!

2.  Don't Get Attached To Your Stuff - OK, none of us wants to be a Buddhist monk and renounce all material possessions.  I'm kind of fond of this laptop I'm typing on, for example.  But the key is not to get too hung up on them.  At Dharma Punx last night, founder Noah Levine had this to say: connect to your possessions, enjoy them, but remember that someday they will break.  His advice: look at them as if they are already broken.  Imagine what that will be like, and then let go of it and just enjoy the moment.  How to know when it's not going well?  When you feel like your possessions own you.  The next time you find yourself driving to the storage shed to drop off another box, ask yourself: could I do without?

3.  Exercise - Along with sleep, this is a no-brainer.  Literally: one of the best ways to shut off the anxiety and cortisol loop is to elevate the heart rate and burn it off.  Exercise improves blood flow and enhances sleep (just don't do it too close to bedtime).  And even a little bit helps: there's no minimum.  If you don't have time to work out, trying jogging to the car, or lifting arm weights while sitting at your desk.

4.  Meditate - OK, so this is where I lose some people.  Isn't meditation religion?  Isn't it creepy?  Won't I just get bored?  Well, no, no, and probably not.  Meditation is nothing more than just letting your thoughts flow for a minute.  Like a river that's been dammed up, your thoughts often circle around, building up pressure until they break through.  With meditation, we don't dry up the river, we just encourage it to flow, regarding what moves past with casual interest but no particular attachment.  It's really the art of genuinely doing nothing.  Not watching-30-Rock-and-eating-ice-cream-and-thinking-about-the-mortgage nothing, but real honest nothing.  Our grandparents would probably have called this "sitting down".  If you live in San Francisco, try SF Insight on Sunday nights, Dharma Punx on Fridays, or the SF Buddhist Center's beginning meditation classes on Thursday nights.  Or just do it in the comfort of your own home!

5. Give - One of the best ways to get perspective is to get out and do something for somebody else.  Volunteering at the soup kitchen, helping kids with their homework, boxing up clothes for Salvation Army - all of these things force us to take a step back.  And they make us feel better about ourselves.

6. Don't Work So Hard - America is one of the most overworked countries in the world.  So take a break.  Honestly.  Nobody will miss you.  Leave an hour early and just sit in your car and space out.  Take Friday afternoon off and go fishing.  Seriously, nothing will happen.  Except you might get a little less stressed out.

7.  Don't Look To Other People (or Things) to Solve Your Problems - this is called "externalization", and it's just not helpful.  You probably already know this, but you do it anyway.  Try this exercise: imagine your biggest problem suddenly going away.  Would everything be better?  Or would something else just become the "biggest problem"?  Of course, sometimes we really do have big problems.  But think back over your life: how many times in your life did you honestly have a really big problem?  Once?  Twice?  A half dozen times?  And how many times have you worried about things that didn't turn out to be such a big deal?

8.  Tomorrow Doesn't Exist - Really.  It kinda doesn't.  So don't put off your own happiness and pleasure.  Waiting for something?  Enjoy the journey, not the destination.  Being miserable about it probably won't make it happen faster.  All we really have is this moment - I bet if you think hard enough you can find a way to enjoy it.

9.  Put The Keyboard Down - And the phone, and the tablet.  It's really not surprising that humans require human interaction.  After all, it's what we had to do to survive for millions of years.  We haven't adapted - at least not yet - to all this computer stuff.  So get back to basics - find a friend, get a frisbee, throw that sucker around.  There's no e-frisbee.

10.  Go Have a Hot Fudge Sundae - or a plate of french fries, or a funnel cake with strawberries, or whatever it is that floats your boat.  Just get the small - you don't need the large.  And savor each bite.  After the first couple, you might be full, so just stop eating.  But do nice things for yourself - you deserve it, and giving yourself the freedom to be good to yourself will help you be good to others.

That's it for now - take all these tips with a grain of salt.  I hope it helps!  Enjoy!

--Adam